Things I love about Madame Tussaud’s new wax Tyra:

• She is in a perpetual state of smiling with her eyes.

• She can’t talk.

• There is about 50 percent less hair on her head than usual.

• She’s motionless, therefore unable to molest hapless celebrities who come within her reach.

• She can’t talk.

Tyra Banks’ dramatic, long, Barbie wig at the Daytime Emmy Awards Sunday has a lot of folks talking about Tyra’s hair habits over the years. Glamour did a retrospective. Here’s my extended version (you get a hair and dating retrospective — remember Seal and John Singleton?). Around the 2001 mark, “hair” begins to permanently take on an entirely new meaning.

It’s been a mixed bag for Tyra Banks and her talk show this year. On the one hand, she got to interview the guy who will possibly be the next president of the United States, plus the two Democratic runners-up and, uh, Mike Huckabee.

On the other hand, she sexually assaulted Janet Jackson, got caught lying about her Oprah envy, filmed a show while driving around in a car, introduced us to vulva puppets, and humilated herself in front of Bow Wow, of all people. In this blogger’s humble opinion, the ridiculous definitely outweighed the good. But then again, this blogger doesn’t vote for the Daytime Emmy Awards. Yes, they gave Tyra Banks an Emmy for best “informative talk show.” She went blond for the occasion and had this to say: “I want to thank Oprah Winfrey for her inspiration. She is the queen. She will always be the queen.” Duh. She also said, in pure Tyra form, “When you have a dream, there are going to be so many people out there who tell you you cannot do it, that you are not good enough. And I want you to tell them to kiss your dimply, flat, juicy, bootylicious, skinny, jiggly, saggy, fat ass!” She’s obsessed with her ass.

Other winners at the Sherri-Shepherd hosted ceremony: Ellen DeGeneres, Rachael Ray, General Hospital, and Regis Philbin, for lifetime achievement.

Tyra has been known to fake like she doesn’t desperately want to be Oprah Winfrey, but since we all know that’s not true, we also know that she has got to be dying over this Sunday’s New York Times Magazine cover, even though something about that nude lip is giving me the creeps.

In the cover story we learn about Tyra’s 275 smiles, including “angry but smiling,” “flirting with boyfriend,” and, I’m guessing, the infamous “smiling with your eyes.” But that’s not all — the author investigates the Tyra brand, which, ridiculous as it often seems, follows quite a winning formula.

“Like her hero, Martha Stewart, Banks wants, most of all, for her name to immediately suggest a distinct point of view. Her brand, like her trademark ‘tough but still smiling’ smile, is consistent in all her shows: serious about the frivolous; empathetic and empowering, and always, always aimed at young women, across all races. It’s girly TV with a punch.”

[WWD]

Janice Dickinson is nothing if not an opportunist. Dickinson, who was most recently in the news in conjuction with Tyra Banks after she called her fat on the Today show and then offered a back-handed apology, glimpsed a paparazzi shot of Tyra carrying a dog-eared copy of her book, No Lifeguard on Duty, on her way to give a talk to young girls.

And she’s using my book,” Dickinson fumed. “I mean, the thing looks so worn it’s like she’s been reading it on the toilet. It’s pathetic. Where’s her originality? Does she have no shame?” Dickinson, who’s in talks with NBC for her own chat show, said she’ll invite Banks on to confront her.

Also, she thinks Kevin Federline is gross, mainly because of his stretched-out earlobes. Maybe she’ll invite him onto her never-gonna-happen talk show to discuss plastic surgery options.

Is Tyra Banks the answer to the DNC’s prayers?

On yesterday’s episode of The Tyra Banks Show — titled “How Freaky Are We?” — some crazy guy asked a slew of audience members to stand on him. This went on for a good five minutes before Tyra moved on to other important subjects, such as a woman who wears diapers, pees in them and then has her boyfriend change her.

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• Tyra Banks makes people crazy. Literally. [Jezebel]

• What’s will all these recording artists appearing on soap operas? Snoop and Mary J. Blige went on One Life to Live recently, and now Ne-Yo ha plans to guest star on All My Children. I can’t tell if it’s the stars or the soap operas that are desperate. [SP]

• Mariah Carey got caught being lazy on Good Morning America today. [SR]

• And why is Chili still talking about her relationship with Usher? [C&D]

• It’s sad when rappers have to latch onto Alicia Keys already-resolved controversy in order to get some press. [RTNY]

Had I known what day they were filming Tyra’s special “on the road” show in NYC, I would have made a mental note not to leave the house. But it looks like no one was harmed in the filming of this pointless episode, during which Tyra drives around in a shiny Chrysler that screams “product placement,” conducting interviews with people like Toni Braxton while simultaneously navigating New York traffic.

Honestly, nothing sounds more terrifying. After the jump, watch (if you dare) Tyra Banks take her show on the road, literally.

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Kanye is sort of like a more talented version of Tyra Banks. He’s a ridiculous character who is fun to criticize, and yet I voraciously consume the entertainment he provides. In his case, the entertainment is of a far superior quality, but it’s the same idea. Here’s his new video for “Homecoming,” a song I love, featuring Chris Martin. Enjoy.

Tyra Banks has apparently decided to stop just talking about fierceness. She now wants to award people for it. She had her first annual “Fiercee” ceremony during a taping of her talk show Friday. As far as I can tell from the red carpet photos, the Fiercees were attended by a couple of confused-looking real models and a lot of ex-America’s Next Top Model contestants wearing dresses they picked out from the advertising insert in Seventeen’s prom issue. So what are the Fiercees? Do we care? Even Tyra looks confused.

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You can throw away your Kleenex and stop your inconsolable crying. It turns out that rumor that Tyra Banks was considering leaving her own show because she found Jay Manuel to be insufferable — I do sometimes wonder if all the hair bleach is going to start seeping into his brain — is false. Of course Tyra’s not leaving her own show! Our Thursday morning jokes are safe. For some reason, at the end of its online report on the subject, Us invites readers to “relive her bathing suit drama.” I’m not sure how it’s relevant, but far be it from me to get in the way of Us’s misson. Relive her bathing suit drama here!

Mr. Jay might have gotten a tad too vocal about how stupid that homeless photo shoot he was forced to direct on America’s Next Top Model was. What other explanation is there for why he and Tyra Banks no longer get along? According to inside sources at ANTM, Tyra and Jay Manuel aren’t even speaking anymore, and Tyra doesn’t really want anything to do with the show or the judges and only ever shows up when it’s time for panel.

The rumor is that she might leave the ANTM to focus on becoming Oprah Winfrey. I mean, to focus on her talk show, which is far inferior to ANTM, but I suppose someone out there likes it better. If Tyra leaves ANTM, I’ll have to stop watching. What’s the fun in watching if there’s no one to make fun of the next day? The actual contestants are too easy.

Tyra Banks has a stalker and he sounds like a wonderful man. Brady Green, a reformed ex-con, has been courting the model-cum-talk show host since early January, sending her flowers and love notes and visiting her often. In the past two months the romantic Green has traveled from Dublin, Georgia to see Banks in both New York and Los Angeles.

Besides being wealthy enough to traverse the country and idle in front of Banks’ places of business, the 6′2″ Green is also handsome, with a recent New York Post article describing him as “clean and dressed in neat, casual clothing” and “huge, strong with a lot of muscles.” And yet the coy Banks continues to reject his advances! When Green last visited the Manhattan studio where The Tyra Banks Show is taped, the former cover girl had him removed from the premises.

But Green is nothing if not tenacious. Within minutes of being shuffled out of Banks’ studio, the 37-year-old was sipping coffee in a McDonald’s across the street and thumbing through one of his favorite magazine articles about the Top Model host, patiently awaiting the perfect time to again profess his love. Their kids are going to love this story!

Last night the ladies of Top Model covered themselves in makeup and then even more paint as the the battle to look beautiful raged on. According to the ANTM judges, contestant Marvita looked the least pretty while slathered in goo, so she was asked to leave. Fin.

Click through for the messy photos.

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