You will look back on today’s momentous occasion – the one-for-the-history-books return of Tom Cruise to Oprah – and think of but one thing: Tom Cruise is a victim! Everybody has been out to get this cultist zealot, and all those jokes about him brainwashing Katie Holmes and inseminating her with L. Ron Hubbard’s semen have been entirely unfair to him and his family. It takes the power of Oprah to set the record straight, even if that’s where he shed his veil of normalcy to begin with. So let’s get to the defensive mechanisms:

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