Ugh.

Daria we need you to speak on this.

I think/hope that transracial adoption is very different now than it was in the 60s/70s because I think/hope that lessons have been learned from the past generations and it's now okay for white people to be race conscious whereas color blindness was the in thing then.

I will say that yes, the state should give adoptive parents more resources so their children can thrive. Any implication that they'd be better off not being adopted is total B.S. though. Yeah, you've faced mental health problems, but compare yourselves to your counterparts who were in the foster system instead of the "normal" kids and you've got a bit more perspective.

We’re liberal parents, we’ll do all we can” - this is just tokenism. “We’ll explain Eid, we’ll explain Ramadan,” a few Islamic books around the house … that’s not good enough, that’s just insulting
Okay, so I'm from a different culture, not a different religion. I can pretty much guarantee you that half of the West African kids I know don't have any sense of where they come from or books around the house. Couples will speak their native language to each other and turn around and speak ONLY English to their children. Result? American kids who mispronounce a lot of words because their parents do. I cringe everytime I hear my little cousins say "pah-lo" instead of "parlor" which most of you would know as a "living room." Their parents will make them Mac n Cheese, cheating them out of f-in delicious food. The parents will say that their kids don't like it but lo and behold, when all the kiddies visited my mom for Spring Break, they were tearin that jollof rice, okra soup, pounded yam and pepper soup. These adoptees have an overly sunny sense of what their sense of cultural identity would be if they grew up with basically their birth parents or people like their birth parents.

Only a handful of us hear speak the language. Of the Americans who've barely set foot in the country, the few that speak the language do so because they offer classes at schools like Harvard and Yale, not because their parents taught them. Actually, there are many of my relatives who have lived in Nigeria for all of their lives but aren't even conversational in their language because their parents were exposed to colonialism and find anything native to be shameful. Until my parents divorced, no one was allowed to speak any native language in the house because my father didn't want those bush ways to sully our minds.

I won't ever to pretend to fully understand these people's experience but I can pretty much assure them that some of what they imagine they were cheated out of are fantasies. I'm sure the many "house girls" (=slaves), sex slaves and other slave-like adoptees would gladly trade places with them any day.

The article talks a lot about non-white adults adopted by white families who now feel dissatisfied because they feel disconnected from their heritage and have had to cope with a sense of isolation. But the one kid they talk to who *never* got adopted because they couldn't find him a black family basically says, "To hell with that. I wish I had gotten a family." I'm not trying to say that it isn't harder growing up black/brown in a white family because honestly, I don't know anything about that, but it can't be worse than growing up bouncing around from one foster placement to another till you're 18 (and that's something I *do* know about, because I'm a lawyer who represents kids in foster care).

So yeah, in an ideal world, it would be nice to have a racial or cultural match between adopters and adoptees. But I'm firmly in the camp that says that a loving family is so much better than no family that we shouldn't even worry about this issue.

Whoops. While I was composing my comment, Daria said everything I could have hoped to say, but a lot better. Anyway, + 1 to what she said.

@ Daria, please don't speak for all West Africans or Nigerians, your experience doesn't apply to everyone. I know a lot of Nigerian kids that have never been to Nigeria and speak their language very well, I also a lot of kids that don't speak their language. Please try and be balanced. As per speaking ones native language, it's not always possible, especially if both parents are from different tribes. So it's oversimplifying the issue to say that it's because of "colo-menatlity" that people don't speak their language.

@ Daria:

The official language of Nigeria is English. It was a jeopardy question in the 90s and I was screaming in front of my TV when no contestant knew the answer.

And because Nigeria was a British colony before her independence, most Nigerians speak the "Queens English." There are some even in the country who don't speak various dialects as well because they were raise in the cities rather than their parents hometowns.

Now your situation was unique. As an American born individual to African parents of two distinct tribes (that's a story within itself) I was raised to embrace both sides. Well, I'm still taught to embrace both sides because my American tendencies show more.

And for the cuisine at our house growing up, I had pancakes and cereal (my American side) to the pounded yam and fufu (the African side). If my siblings and me didn't eat a certain meal, it wasn't because we disowned our heritage, we just didn't like the taste.

@Yuppers:
1. I didn't say all. I said about half. I can pretty much guarantee you that half of the West African kids I know don’t have any sense of where they come from or books around the house.
2. I am fluent.
3. I go to conferences, meetings, parties, etc. I was part of the student groups in college and grad school. Many of the young adults complain that their parents cheated them out of their cultural identity. Which they did. It's strange that so many people who are invested in socializing with people of their ethnic group seem to have no interest in sharing the culture with their kids as part of their day to day lives. Again, this is some, not all.
4. Many have both parents from the same ethnic group.
5. My only American and British (born and 100% raised) relatives and old family friends who even understand and speak it are the two kids who live outside of London. Oddly, their parents are of different ethnic groups and they are the only ones with Anglo names which was criticized. I really find it odd. I absolutely would want my children to speak the language.

@AfroAmerican Writer: Yes. I only know a handful of Nigerians who don't speak English.
Each ethnic groups –there are three major ones (Igbo, Hausa and Yoruba) and a lot of smaller ones– has their own language. In my view, every Nigerian should be at least bilingual, so why on earth do so many of the boarding school set speak just English?! It's especially hilarious to me because some parents in the U.S. and UK will send their kids to boarding school there. They come back 4-8 years later and all they've picked up is a new accent. If an Igbo person lives in Lagos for a long time for example, I really think they should be conversational in Yoruba and Ig/bo. After all, the one traipsing around Switzerland speak English, their native language, French and sometimes German as well. In reality though, they speak English and pidgin English. I speak pidgin English. I'm not impressed. You can't put that on a resume. It's like putting Ebonics or Spanglish on your resume. If anyone watches 10 or so Nollywood movies with liberal use of pidgin, they'd pick it up as well.

And for goodness sake, how can a Nigerian feel "disconnected" in London? That's like saying a Cuban is "disconnected" in Miami. She could just, oh, go make some Nigerian friends. Hell, I'm sure that in a class of 20, there were probably 3 or 4. Plus not only are there the hyphenated ones but in the 60s and 70s especially, there were lots of people who came to further their education. Yeah, they can't take you, but there's certainly lots of opportunity to become connected. I've found the people there are far quicker to become your "aunty" or "uncle" than their American counterparts.

And Daria continues to generalize. I think that's the point (as per the above comment). That it may be difficult for Africans who were adopted in England to make black friends. Who said being a black social butterfly out of a white cocoon was easy (oh, was that poetic imagery for yo asses or what?)

But I think that this is i very dicey call to make. I'm kinda leaning towards the idea that whites who adopt non-whites should have to go through at least some counseling about how they can do their best not to confuse the child at all and to make sure that they know to remind the child that not the same as them but just as good.

boff…Vieille….vieille discussion comme d'hab!!

I'd rather have a loving home with a White family than no loving home at all.

I'm sure that some adoptees come out ill-adjusted but all that means is that there should be an effort made to educate adoptive parents on their kid(s)'s culture.

Sidebar
Daria,
I didn't know you're Nigerian too. A lot of what you brought up in your posts comes straight out of my family. Do I know you? J/P

I always make fun of my family's ethnocentric ways cuz all I can speak is English, I'm American-born and -raised, yet I'm supposed to act like I'm straight out of Mushin. I can't even speak Broken.

My parents thought that I'd have a hard time learning English so they never tried to teach me our languages. My aunt was tryna teach me Ukwali (language of the Ukwanis, an Igbo sub-tribe ) when I was 7, but she was so hung up on my American accent ("I don't like the way it rolls off your tongue.") that she gave up on teaching me. My family speaks 5 languages and I'm so impressed with that. Like I'm starting to feel jealous as I type this

I used to feel bad about being the foreigner in my family. I felt so left out. Plus, some elder Nigerians never minded their manners and would make me feel bad for only speaking English and not "acting Nigerian." That, and the blatant sexism and ageism, factors into why I don't go to Nigerian functions outside of naming ceremonies.

And I so feel you about the accented pronunciation of words. I was saying "pah-tee-coo-lahs ("particulars"), "wuk" ("work"), "teef" ("thief"), "teet" ("teeth"). and "mo-toe" ("motor") up until the second grade.

"Yeah, you’ve faced mental health problems, but compare yourselves to your counterparts who were in the foster system instead of the “normal” kids and you’ve got a bit more perspective."

"I can pretty much assure them that some of what they imagine they were cheated out of are fantasies."

Daria, I gotta say that your 'I-know-it-all' and pretentious posts cut down other peoples' opinions for no reason. You don't know every adoptee's experience with being adopted or a foster child's experience. One could be better than the other. I've grown up in a family with foster children and I am a transracial adoptee myself.

I understand where these adoptees are coming from when they say they're worse off by being in the situation, cause I used to think that way. There honestly are some tough issues that people don't understand if they don't go through it (non-adopted people), especially living in a world where defining blackness exists and race is a tension-filled subject. I'm not saying I agree with them; I think it's part of the identity development process - they may be going through some anger issues like I did at one point in time.

With all due respect, I enjoyed DAria's post. she did not come across as a know it all.

I'm sorry, I don't believe a black/african/minority child in general can have any sense of their identity if they are adopted by a white family. I know that the real importance should be based on a happy home but I don't ever hear of a Asian woman/African woman/etc adopting little white babies.

@ Daria:

LOL on this line: "And for goodness sake, how can a Nigerian feel “disconnected” in London? That’s like saying a Cuban is “disconnected” in Miami." My family normally calls London, "Nigeria's backyard" and since I'm a South Florida native (though I didn't live there all my life), I know about the Cubans (A LOT).

I understand your line of reasonings, I was in Nigeria on vacation about six years ago and I was spotted as an "Americana" faster than a speed of bullet. I get the pidgin English, it's just like Jamaicans in South Florida speaking Patua to anyone with a "unique" look. And like Ebonics with my other black counterparts.

My parents were strict with me not speaking slangs in the house but that doesn't mean I can't flip the script when I'm outside. Some strangers have been confused when I speak because I don't sound "black" and then my parents' African friends can't believe they raise me to have my own mind (read very American) even though I respect my heritage.

@Aries: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm pretty sure I stated it was my opinion. This is a 45 year old. I would hope that she's sorted out her anger issues and maybe even turn her experience into something constructive. I think every adult has some issue with how they're raised and it's obviously going to be bigger in transracial adoptees in 1960s London.
I'm really all for therapy if it's helping you. My father has pretty much been absent since age 4. I haven't seen him in 17 of my 24 years. While my mother was away, I lived with my grandparents in a rat-infested house where my mom's brother and cousin severely physically abused me (think serious jail time). My half siblings lived in a mini mansion in the same town with our father there for them. I find this all very f-ed up, but y'know what? There are A LOT of kids who were far worse off. I was abused for less than 3 years. Many are abused like that all their lives. My father was absent, but hey, there's that girl in Austria whose father imprisoned and raped her for over 2 decades. I have major trust issues with men and a presumption that I'll be abandoned at the worst possible time which basically makes me unfit for a relationship. There are people who are always a lot worse of than these people are and I simply imagine that those who didn't get adopted had REALLY sh-tty childhoods in addition to lacking cultural connections or a sense of connection to their race. Keeping perspective always helps one to avoid wallowing in even justified self-pity. I can list a bunch of other very crappy things that happened to me and still state that I am very blessed. These people are blessed. Their situation was not ideal, but they are blessed. I think organizing programs for transracial adopters and adoptees would be far more therapeutic and beneficial to them. They and multiracial children raised by a single white parent have great perspective on things and can bring about change. For the David guy, does he think being raised by his white, presumably non-Muslim mom in the 60s and 70s would have been any different? His statement that it's "insulting" really makes him come off as a bit of an ingrate. I think most people have overly high expectations of their parents. They're human. They did the best with what they knew. Now he can go help transracial adoptive parents know more so that the next generation will be better off.

@Anonymiss: thanks for adding your own experience. A lot of people get hung up on the accent. You know what? I don't care if I marry a non-Igbo and if I marry one that's American, chances are he won't be fluent. My children have to be at least conversational. I really feel like NOT teaching them IS cheating them. It's really unfair.
As for the ageism and sexism, I guess the ageism isn't really significant in my family. The sexism only comes up when it comes to customs, but on a day-to-day basis, I consider most members of my close extended family pretty forward-thinking. You can't avoid the weddings though. Pure comedy, good times and tasty food.

@AfroAmerican Writer: My mom raised me to have my own mind. Now she's trying to "fix it." I am not going to med school which I think is pretty devastating to her. A lot of her friends' children are doctors (mysteriously high suicide rate among this group, though I'm sure it has nothing to do with being unhappy with what they're doing with their lives). At least one per family. I tell her she should have had more children. She was a single parent. She's married now. I think she considers it a failure on her part.