Believe it or not, this is a fan video.

This is what Mariah Carey wore to the Teen Choice Awards last night. Clearly, Carey understands how important it is to sex it up for the 13-year olds. She's married to a guy who probably acts like one.

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Eternal 12-year-old Mariah Carey reverted back to 1982, when she was at her ideal age, with this horrendous outfit at a TRL taping. You’re telling me Mimi has all the money in the world and she chose to go with an outfit (complete with glittery belt) one could find at a garage sale?

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• Ashanti just keeps on trucking. Good for her. [CL]

• "For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in "Czechoslovakia" – a country that officially ceased to exist in January of 1993." It's not the world of yesteryear, Senator. [DK]

• Black Voices put together a gallery Sexiest Black Women Over 40 (aka Black Don't Crack) gallery. [BV]

• Mariah Carey might follow in the footsteps of Celine Dion, Elton John, and Toni Braxton and sign a very lucrative Las Vegas residency deal. I'd go to see her show. [SP]

• Despite their stringent-sounding custody agreement, Kimora Lee Simmons and Russell Simmons are quick to praise each other's parenting skills. [Bossip]

• Jay-Z gets the Vogue Italia treatment. No comment. [Bossip]

• Nas releases his first video off of Untitled. No offensive t-shirts. [CL]

• Nick Cannon rushed into marrying Mariah Carey to avoid lots of awkward questions from his friends. For the record, this isn't a good reason to rush into marriage. [SP]

• Here's your chance to let the Democratic Party know what's on your mind. [WAOD]

• This dude's idiotic and so is his op-ed. [JJP]

With the prevalence of airbrushing on magazines covers, one would think that they would come close to perfecting this art of deception at some point. Instead, the newstands are filled with cover after cover of alien-looking celebrities with too-big heads, too-thin necks, chicken arms, and impossibly small waists. See the latest edition of Elle with Mariah on the cover for an example. The assumption is that alien versions of celebrities look better than actual versions. This is incorrect. [D-Listed]

Trouble in Nick-And-Mariahdise? According to "sources," the newlyweds are never going to last. Did we need an anonymous source to tell us that?

“I give the marriage six months, tops,” said a source close to the singer. “I can’t see it lasting.”

The insider claims that the reason behind that gloom-and-doom prediction is Nick’s need to do everything for his diva bride. While Mariah likes being waited on hand and foot, that routine won’t work in the long run.

“Nick does whatever Mariah wants him to — he’s like her puppy,” the insider continued. “It seems like Nick spends more time in the stores with Mariah’s credit card than he does with Mariah herself.”

Oh. I thought our reliable source was going to tell us that they don't get along, or that they only married because the sex was good, or that it was all a publicity stunt. But Nick Cannon paying excessive amounts of attention to his more famous, more rich wife? Sounds like a match made in heaven for both of them. [MSNBC]

Last year, one of the biggest music stories was the historic head-to-head battle between Kanye West and 50 Cent. Their fight? First-week record sales dominance. The victor? Kanye West, as if you could possibly forget. During its first week in stores last fall, Kanye's Graduation sold 957,000, a huge sum that was partly a result of the insane amount of hype surrounding his record release. These days, things are different. Our country has fallen on hard financial times, and supposedly people are spending less money on entertainment.

The best album debut so far this year was the 463,000 Mariah Carey's E=MC2 sold. It is in this climate that Lil Wayne released his long-awaited, but less-publicized-than-Graduation, album, Tha Carter III, and it is in this climate that the young rapper sold over a million records. Compare this to his previous biggest sales week, when he sold 258,000 copies of Tha Carter II in 2005. It seems that I, and many others, have sorely underestimated the power of Weezy. Record execs say one of the reasons for the huge sales is that the frequent leaks and changing release dates created a lot of hype that benefited the star. And maybe, in addition to Lil Wayne's core fans, he picked up quite a few TRLers who were swooning over "Lollipop." Oh, well. Even Kanye is impressed.

Also this week: Plies opens at No. 2, N.E.R.D. take the No. 7 spot, and Usher falls from No. 3 to No. 5.

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The biggest sacrifice a couple makes when they decide to clandestinely marry on a random Bahamian island after knowing each other for approximately 38.5 seconds is that they have to forgo the gifts that their many guests would have given them if they hadn't had a secret wedding. But Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon seem unwilling to accept those consequences. Rumor has it Mariah's assistant has been dropping not-so-subtle hints to her boss's industry friends.

According to Page Six: "Mariah's assistant, Gina, sent out over 100 e-mails to her wealthy friends letting them know that she's registered at Bergdorf Goodman if they want to buy her a present. It's odd because she's not even having a big wedding party or anything. It was assumed they'd have a big celebration when they got back, but no. They just want the gifts." Hmmm, what do you get for the woman who could buy everything on her gift registry without putting a dent in her bank account?

MARIAH WHO? An album filled with Lil Wayne's drug-fueled rhymes is on track to be the biggest debut of 2008. According to Wayne's label, The Carter III, which hit shelves yesterday morning, might sell as many as 950,000 copies by weeks end. That's more than first-week numbers for Mariah Carey's E=MC2, 2008's current record holder. The theory is that the album's frequent leaks created a buzz that drove fans to purchase the album as soon as it came out. It's all an argument in favor of over-exposure. Yay. [EW]

• Ne-yo tries to make himself feel better about a sure-to-be terrible song he made with Lindsay Lohan. [MG]

• Now that Mariah Carey has a new man in her life, maybe she could also get a new stylist and hairdresser? [SR]

• Madonna and David Banda will officially be together forever. [PH]

• If it didn't seem like Usher's TRL rant last night was in defense of himself instead of in defense of his wife, it would be sort of sweet. [NB]

• What does Brandy think of Ray J, I wonder? [C&D]

• I want to be Jonathan Vargas when I grow up. [N&V]

• Mimi wasn't trying to ruin Nick Cannon's boy's night out a few nights ago, she just needed an assistant at her photo shoot. [Bossip]

• I've said it before, and I'll say it again: promoting a movie means throwing your dignity out the window. [Str8NYC]

• Tina Turner says Beyonce's not "rock and roll." Beyonce would probably agree. [SR]

• Diddy's making millions off of his partnership with Ciroc vodka. If only he actually liked to drink it. [TMZ]

Missy Elliott was kind enough to provide BlackBook recently with a list of things she hates, including taking her shoes off at the airport (don't we all, girl) and "minute men" (just like the song). Right. It's an interesting regular feature, if only because stars are a lot quicker to talk about the things they love and than the things they hate. What might some of our top news-makers say if they were asked?

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DUTY CALLS When your wife is 10 years older than you and at least 10 times richer, I'm guessing that when she says jump you have to say "how high." Nick Cannon was having fun with Diddy and Quincy Jones at the MGM Grand Foxwoods opening this weekend until Mariah called and broke up the fun. "He was summoned home by her at 1 in the morning," a source told Page Six. "He didn't look happy about it."

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon threw what appears to be an elaborate-but-sparsely-attended wedding party/photo op at Six Flags Magic Mountain Tuesday. The photos, like the general concept, are nausea-inducing. Aren't these two a little too talented to be fashioning themselves into Heidi and Spencer from The Hills?