You will look back on today’s momentous occasion – the one-for-the-history-books return of Tom Cruise to Oprah – and think of but one thing: Tom Cruise is a victim! Everybody has been out to get this cultist zealot, and all those jokes about him brainwashing Katie Holmes and inseminating her with L. Ron Hubbard’s semen have been entirely unfair to him and his family. It takes the power of Oprah to set the record straight, even if that’s where he shed his veil of normalcy to begin with. So let’s get to the defensive mechanisms:

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What to do when you're Queen Oprah and your favorable ratings are down? Resurrect a sure thing, that's what. For sweeps week, Oprah will interview Tom Cruise, who, if you recall, was sort of insane the last time he entered the Harpo Studios. This time, she's going to talk to him at his Telluride, Colo., house, so if he goes all crazy again he'll fuck up his own couch. [E!]

OPRAH MIGHT FINANCE GAYLE KING'S LIFESTYLE, BUT THEY ARE NOT GAY! Gayle King really doesn't want gay rumors to discourage men from asking her out on dates. It's hard enough finding a man as it is, she told Dave Letterman recently.

King laughed off reports she and best friend Oprah Winfrey were more than friends. After joking about how she got all dolled up to be on the show ("are you looking at my breasts?"), King, divorced with kids, told Dave she has a hard enough time getting a date on a Saturday night without men thinking she's already spoken for. "Now I have to explain: Look, I'm available!"

Thanks to her gazillionaire, platonic best friend, finding a date is probably the only thing that's hard for her. She's certainly had no problem finding an apartment in Manhattan. [HP]

MALAWI-WOWIE The celeb-philanthropists of the world are always trying to keep up with Oprah Winfrey, aren't they? Madonna recently told Elle that she has purchased land in Malawi, the country-of-origin of her son, David, and is now in the process of getting permission to build a girl's school there. "The women will play a big role in the future and rebirth of Malawi," she said. Apparently, Ricki Lake of all people is also helping to build a school there with her Malawian nanny. As long as they're all very vigilant about not hiring child molesters to work at their schools, it should be all good.

A note to my best friends, who, by virtue of being my best friends, should be reading this:

I am perfectly willing to brave rampant lesbian rumors in order to become your kept woman should any of you ever become the richest black woman in the United States. Just putting it out there, girls.

The arrangement has certainly worked out for Gayle King, who just moved into a $7.1 million "full-floor sky palace" in Manhattan that is owned by Sophie's Penthouse, LLC. Incidentally, Sophie's the name of Oprah Winfrey's dear, recently-departed cocker spaniel.

• Oprah Winfrey's being sued by a woman who claims she came up with the idea for the Oprah's Big Give and a woman who claims she sustained serious injuries while attending a taping of Oprah. These are just two of the many, many lawsuits that get filed against this woman a month. [EUR]

• Speaking of lawsuits, the victim in Remy Ma's shooting case has decided not to sue the rapper for $80 million she doesn't have. I guess she figured jail was enough. [AHN]

• Alicia Keys will star in three-minute, Dove-sponsored soap operas that will air during commercial breaks of The Hills. Interesting career move. [HR]

• Condi Rice to Barry Obama: Sorry about that security breach. [MSNBC]

• Meet the Browns might get overshadowed by Horton Hears A Hoo this weekend. [EW]

• Even after the contests in Texas, Ohio, Rhode Island, and Vermont are decided tonight, Hillary Clinton warns of a long, long road to the nomination. Oh. Yay. [NYT]

• How to present Bill Cosby with special Black History Month Air Force Ones. [KATC]

• 50 Cent, Floyd Mayweather, Wrestlemania, whatever, whatever, and whatever. [XXL]

• She who giveth (big) shall taketh away viewers from other shows. [SP]

• Oops! Police officers should really turn the camera's off before letting loose with the death threats and racial epithets. [GN]

Snoop recently joined Ludacris and 50 Cent in his vocal disapproval of Oprah Winfrey's vocal disapproval of their livelihoods. He's disappointed that Oprah criticized his lyrics on her show without allowing him on to defend himself.

“I really was offended, because I kind of like her,” he said. “Liked her. I’m very articulate, very intellectual. She didn’t even get a chance to even know me.” She might have learned that the rap star is cleaning up his act: His new album, he told reporters, “is for the women.” He said he wanted to “give the ladies something, because I’ve been so mean and so rude.”

Well, he knows he's been mean and rude. And knowing is half the battle. Snoop went on to say that people criticized Jesus all the time, so it is totally fine that they do the same to him. See, Oprah? Articulate and intellectual. Meanwhile, Oprah has no qualms about having Diddy, who clearly has misogynist tendencies, on her show. Although he tends to act very wide-eyed, innocent, and stuttery when he's around older women — check him out on the View sometime — so I don't blame her for being fooled. [NYMag]

• Cheaptickets.com is trying to get some of that African American buying power in its corner. [CST]

• Lewis Hamilton says he's over his Spanish racism controversy. Incidentally, we are, too. [ITN]

• Wells Fargo completed its 1998 goal to lend $1 billion to black small business owners by 2010 two years early. [ET]

• 50 Cent settles a lawsuit with a photographer his bodyguards roughed up. He probably has to pay the photog more than he pays his baby mama in a year. [PS]

• Step one on the path to renewed stardom: the Dancing with the Stars cast does Oprah! Meanwhile, Tyra Banks is off somewhere interviewing the next leader of the free world. [People]

• Sometimes you're so rich, you let other people give your money away for you. [People]

• Mariah Carey's new single! [CL]

• I'm all about some Obama, but I think I draw the line at "Yes We Can" Air Force Ones. [Bossip]

• Girlfriends fans, get your Golden Brooks fix while you still can. [EUR]

• What to do when the courts take away your kids because you are mentally unfit. I know! Surround yourself with other people's kids. [MTV]

• Why is Tyra always making her audience members take their damn clothes off? [PH]

• I will never play Oprah Winfrey small. No, ma'am. [SR]

• Michael Jackson won't sing at the Grammys. Good — I didn't think I could take it. [SP]

• Eddie Murphy doesn't like to stay beardless for long. [C&D]

• Who the hell is Marcus Patrick? [QT]

With just $27 million earned between June 2006 and June 2007, LeBron James was the last in Forbes' list of the ten top-earning black stars. Before you go feeling all bad for LeBron James for coming in last on a list of insanely rich people, consider this: he was just 22 in June 2007. Next on the list is Beyonce, who also earned $27 million, but is probably in the spot above James due to alphabetical order. Or maybe because she's prettier? Check the full list after the jump.

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• There's some race joke about Obama and Oprah's face being plastered on gourmet chocolates, but I'm just too tired. [SJMN]

• In an effort to avoid a being like the New York Times with its Harlem piece, I'm going to put it this way: they don't necessarily hate Barack Obama in Butte, Montana. [AN]

• More ignorance at firehouses. [WCP]

• The largest African American bookstore chain closes down. Meanwhile, Amazon continues to grow! [BN]

The Tyra & Hillary moment is here! It's no surprise that Hillary Clinton is on stage for a full minute before Tyra allows her to speak, and it was only because Hill interrupted. They spent the first part of the segment discussing Hillary's "vulnerability," which is certainly not something a male candidate would have been forced to talk about. On the other hand, this entire visit seems to be orchestrated as an appeal to female voters. So it fit.

After the vulnerability bit, Tyra gets down to the heart of the election — "Do you wish Oprah was there for you?" The question was so stupid, because:

a)The woman has Bob Johnson stumping for her and making an ass of himself, of course she does

b) Who cares?

Props for Hillary for basically saying that supporters are nice but they don't follow you into the Oval Office. Minus points for later countering, "Well, Maya Angelou's for me." All in all, is it more or less hard to watch than Obama's Tyra interview in October? Before you answer that, check out the infidelity Q&A after the jump.

Preview: "Were you embarrased?" asks Tyra. "I would be embarrassed."

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