Ever heard of Anthony Pellicano? The formerly high-profile, Hollywood (read: celebrity) private investigator, who is now on trial for federal wiretapping and racketeering charges, and his aides knew a lot of secrets about his clients and their targets (aka victims). And now that he's on trial, they're all out in the open. One of the sad celebs? Chris Rock. A 31-minute taped conversation between Rock and Pellicano in 1998 after a one-night stand (whom Rock said he slept with during a brief separation with his wife, Malaak) accused him of rape is now out there for public consumption. The rape charges were never filed, and the woman's lawsuit was later dropped. But before all that happened, there was this damning convo. We now know that even in crisis, Chris Rock is still Chris Rock. And also a bunch of stuff about rubbers and semen that we never wanted to know in the first place. Huffington Post has the transcript and audio, which is simultaneously sad (especially for Malaak), scary (because of Pellicano), and funny (duh). Read some experts from the convo after the jump.

Chris Rock describing one of his dates with the woman, who tried unsuccessfully to sue him for paternity before she moved onto the rape accusation:

8:15
CR: "I know the night we went to the Ivy she had on white pants. I only noticed cause my wife's real classy and subdued and I'm out with a girl with big tits and white pants. It's just, I know people were like, 'heeey'."

Reality hits after they discuss how the woman saved a sample of his semen on a piece of tissue in the freezer:

4:55
CR: I've been so set up…
AP: Did you come on her thighs?…
CR: I had a rubber on. I probably took it off right when I was getting ready to come. I probably came on her ass.

22:00
AP: Did you stick it in her? Without a rubber?
CR: No [Phew -- Lauren]

Beginning to discover the makings of a stand-up routine:

30:05
CR: Rape is just fucking, buzz, you know?… Once your accused of rape, you're just FUCKED, you know?
AP: That's why i want to blacken this girl up, totally. I want to make her out to be a lying, scumbag, manipulative cocksucker… Stupid bitch
CR: I'm fucked. I'm better getting caught with needles in my arm. WAY better. Needles, with pictures, there's Chris Rock shooting heroin. Much better blow to the career.