No I don't think that "reason" has anything to do w/ black people being responsible, I went to a predominantly white university (Penn State alum '01) & while it was pretty segregated, I still managed to have a handful of white friends that I still talk to today. I think that's just an excuse people (specifically white people) use in order to cover up their true feelings. I don't want to be a pessimist, but I think that's just BS & I'm calling it like I see it.

I do think this explanation has merit.(Although for some it may just be an excuse as sophistAKAted said)Some students that come from communities where there are few black people, simply may not know how to relate to them, and prefer to stick to social groups that are comfortable to them. I can't say whether people in the black community are directly responsible for this anxiety or whether it is the result of living in a PC society.

Safe questions that a white student can ask a black student:

What type of music do you like?-Correct
Oh you must like rap right?-wrong

Do you work out?-correct
Oh you don't work out since black men like there women big ?-wrong
Danger area
How do you style your hair?- correct(for some)
Why does your hair look like that?-wrong

I'm with Laura on this one.

It's not that they inherently hate blacks/people of color, it's that they haven't been exposed to them long enough AND they recognize they are too ignorant about black/people of colors cultures, so they stay away to not act the fool.

It’s not that they inherently hate blacks/people of color, it’s that they haven’t been exposed to them long enough AND they recognize they are too ignorant about black/people of colors cultures, so they stay away to not act the fool.
True, but you will remain ignorant if you run from them. We've all had our snafus when faced with unprecedented diversity. I sure as hell had mine during the first months of college. Yes, at times, you will have foot-in-mouth situations. I think if you make these mistakes early enough in life (=in school surrounded by people who are somewhat accustomed to other people's ignorance), people won't hold it against you.

In defense of A SMALL GROUP OF WHITE PEOPLE, I will say that I have seen some black people get… ahem… extra defensive without anyone actually putting them on the offensive.

That being said, if I stopped talking to white people because of every negative conversation I've had with a white person, I would be living in a little bubble called my bedroom.

Chic Noir is right. It's best to ask open-ended questions instead of making assumptions.

I'm with sophistAKAted–I'm not buying it. Such white people don't want their white-skin advantage or racism exposed and challenged. IMO, this anxiety playing out in these social encounters, moreso than "Black rage" (such a stereotype!), is the harsh reality of white people losing their advantage–in this case, the advantage of being uncriticized by a group of people these white folks perceive, thanks to racism, to not be intelligent, let alone *smart and bold enough to critique them.* What Black people and our allies of every hue, gender, sexuality, class, size, and ability are responsible for is creating an environment where such attitudes and actions won't be tolerated.

I agree with Lauren as well. Yes, I feel some "white" people use this as an excuse at times, but I also feel that some do try to "relate" and are instead criticized/attacked when they do so.

Where I went to school (b4 college), a lot of the blacks (the supposedly "authentic" blks… not the "oreos" like myself) were in fact intimidating. They were loud, bold and quick to crack a joke on anybody. They were bullies. Fortunately, we also had a good handful of GREAT blk students who were "authentic" and still approachable. I think Dave Chapelle's example of smoking weed with blk people describes it best. Basically he says he prefers smoking with whites becuz the enviornment is more relaxed and random ("white folks always talk about the last time they were high"), compared to smoking weed with blks who left him feeling depressed and angry. I think we as blacks can be so angry about racism/prejudice/etc, that it kind of makes it hard for others who can't relate to approach us. I think EVERYBODY needs to be more open-minded and try to see things thru other peoples' eyes.

I agree with this study to an extent. I don't think it's fear of seeming racist per se, but white people have little personal contact with blacks–even if they go to a school with a pretty good balance of ethnic groups–and don't bother to look beneath the surface of what they've seen on TV, or have seen in certain cliques of black people, to want to get to know a black person. I know that I've gotten expressions of surprise and interest when I speak up in my predominantly white anthropology class. I always get the feeling that my classmates are fascinated that I have opinions and knowledge to share because they see so few blacks involved in their interests (most of the black kids in my college stick with majors in Business or Childcare) that they don't believe they'd have anything to connect over. Sad to say, a lot of blacks don't care to be viewed as individuals and prefer to buy into the stereotypes and walk with chips on their shoulders.

It's so strange that while the overwhelming majority of whites believe virtually none of them are truly racist– no matter what they do, short of throwing on a sheet and lighting up a cross; some black students seem to be shouldering the responsibility for others' pre-conceived attitudes.
Oh dear.
Here's a link to a study that might clear up some of your misconceptions: http://www.racismreview.com/blog/?p=232

I've had the misfortune of encountering those whites who interact with you and "say the wrong thing." As a matter of fact, for the past three weeks, every white person i've befriended, has said something racist toward (but not about) me. From calling a character in a video game, "Nigga Bird", to telling me a story about yelling at a Black woman to "Go Back to Africa" and last but not least, I had somebody tease me last week, about lynching me, because I laughed when they fell off my skateboard. I guess everything is about perception. I don't think white people should fear encounters with us, but they should be cordial enough to monitor what they say. If I had flipped out at any of those people for their comments, i'm sure they'd think i'm just being an "angry Black Man". I think I fulfill too many stereotypes as it is, without meeting the expectations of the ones I don't match with.

if it is true, its certainly understandable. But that shouldnt stop people from coming together, how else would you learn?

damn, spendi you experienced more racist comments in three weeks than some people experience in a lifetime! um, i think it's safe to say that "Nigga Bird," is WAY beyond "saying the wrong thing! Dude, who are you befriending? Are their heads all shaven??

I think that the yt people in the study that Lauren is referring to are talking more along the lines of the types of things chic noir listed. And of these people, I agree that some may hold back from socializing out of fear. Yet, there are enough friendly black faces (like myself) that look approachable enough that these scaredy-cats could talk to. I think the fears may be valid, but hiding behind those and saying "oh well" is bull.

Spendi, if I had White friends like that I would fucking kick their asses.

White people don’t know how to interact with Black People period!
I don’t know if this is consequence of slavery regret or something but they just don’t act natural. They have too kind of attitudes that I personally hate
a) They love everything about black Race so bad that they think they Black. I don’t even need to mention names to enforce my theory, just tune MTV!
b) They treat us like we are some sort of strange group where everybody loves rap music, everybody speaks vernacular Black English and everybody so ghetto. It’s like we don’t have personality.
So sad but so true!

**Two kind instead of too kind***

Believe it or not, the two guys who said "Nigga Bird" when we were playing video games, were actually my best friends (note I said were). One of them I had known for 19 years and the other I had known for 11 years. But so much for that.

I think this is DEFINITELY true. Blackfolk (of which I am one) jump all O V E R whitefolk for just about everything. We will find a "hidden racism" in just about everything. I'm not saying there isn't a reason for our racial defensiveness but Whitefolk dont *need* to know us the way we need to know them. Our lives depend on knowing how they feel about us. If I was them, I wouldn't be running over to the "Black table" either. For what? Too threatening. Man, waaaay too much work.

And it's not just "whites." Other people feel the same as well. Most immigrants are more likely to associate themselves with whites than with blk Americans.

Ike thats larly because blk folk are bottom burrel in this coutnry.

Kilo you have a very nice blog. I would of never thought since you troll this blog so often.

@Ike, I'm an "immigrant." I moved to the US at the age of 10 though I was born here. Until college, almost all my friends were white. Why? The African-American kids were mean to me when they were together and then they'd say I hated black people. Um, I'm not going to be your friend if you're going to talk shit about me climbing trees, running from lions and having AIDS thanks or laugh at it, even if you're nice to me when the other black kids aren't around. That seemed to be the way the African-American kids in my area bonded in school and no one is ever willing to call people out when they're being a-holes. I relate best to the children of immigrants who were raised like I was or who faced the same bullshit I faced in school.

@Megs, I agree. I think there's such baggage linked to that. News flash: if you were raised in the US, it's pretty much impossible for you not to be racist. My non-white friends will tell you all the ignorant shit they were raised around and admit to being racist, not like it's okay but because realizing that you are will keep you from letting your negative attitudes impact how you treat others. As far as I'm concerned, owning up to it is the first step to fixing it. Part of the reason might be the reaction people get. I can talk about and laugh about this stuff with my non-white friends but it's clear that we only bring it up around other non-white people. I don't know if it's because we don't want to make white people uncomfortable or what it is exactly but it just never happens around them. Maybe if they didn't perceive it as so taboo, they'd get over it. The random white people around when we have these conversations look absolutely shocked and repulsed when they overhear these things, even if it has nothing to do with white people. It's like race is something to be talked about in hushed tones or with your ignorant ass family (and we've all got a few relatives).

I don't have to worry about saying something to racist to other groups, because I do not have a hurtful spirit. I am thoughtful about other people. Why? Because I care to be.
This is an excuse for people to avoid Black people because:
1) they know they can with very little consequence. We can't afford to limit our interactions.
2) it is easier to ignore what you don't understand than to confront and learn.

"That being said, if I stopped talking to white people because of every negative conversation I’ve had with a white person, I would be living in a little bubble called my bedroom."
So true Daria!

To "Who Me:"

Yes, that may be true, but we also tend to fufill those stereotypes as well. Actions speak louder than words. Just becuz we're considered to be at the "bottom," doesn't mean we should accept it.

Daria: I know what u mean… lol. I was born here, but still faced the "African" teasing. Most people didn't know I was African untill they heard my name or I told them. I was my teachers' exotic pet. Other blk students would call other blks "african" as an insult. I remember my friend saying to another, "you're as blk as an African." I then replied, "fool… you're darker than me and I'm African." Any display of strength/athletic ability was attributed to my "African-ness", cuz we all know that Africans run miles, climb trees and fight lions on their way to school. Most of my friends are immigrants/2nd generation (most were Asian and Middle Eastern ). I relate to them more. They get my culture and I get their's.

This is totally true. I'm white and totally paranoid about black people thinking I'm a racist. Black friends who know me think this is hilarious. But some of the posts on this thread make me even more nervous. Case in point: I'm on an elevator, spacing out. The door opens, and I snap out of my haze and realize it's not my floor, letting out a little "ooh!", just as a distinguished-looking older black man gets on. The black man is exceedingly polite to me, to a degree that would be weird from anyone, and I begin to wonder if he thinks HE startled me, like I'm naturally alarmed by black people (the stereotypical white lady clutching her purse when a black person goes by). I'm, of course, polite in response, but I keep wondering all day what's going through his mind. Does he think I'm a racist? Do all the black people think I hate them/fear them? Another example: there was a public service ad against subtle racism, showing a white man passing a black man on the street and avoiding eye contact. Well, shit- I'm a New Yorker! I naturally avoid eye-contact with everyone on the street! I don't give a shit if white people think I'm rude, but I feel forced to acknowledge black people, lest they think I'm willfully ignoring them out of racism. Does being afraid that black people are judging you also make you racist?

A lot of it has to do with the anger that a lot of black people (who think they are friendly) project. There are some posters on this blog who find everything offensive and racist and anyone who doesn't agree is an Uncle Tom. If that is how we treat our own, is it surprising that whites or other races are leary of befriending us sometimes? Shit, I think twice at times.

What really bothers me is that I have some Asian and White friends who feel because they date Black men they cant be racist, but make racist comments. My Indian friend constantly uses the N word when telling stories no matter how many times I tell her not to or at least not to around me. My White friends Biracial daughter was suspended for using the Nword in school but she feels its ridiculous since she's half Black. My one friend made a comment about how ugly dark skin is. I had to ask her if she thought I was ugly then, now she's a bit more cautious around me but I can feel her sensoring her statements.

I think both Cruel Secretary and Ike make valid points about possible deterrents for whites. In my experience shying away has had more to do with feeling uncomfortable in a situation where you might be outnumbered than worrying that you might offend someone. I attended a state university where the white student population was 90+%. Any time I would invite my white friends to any kind of an ethnic (read non-white) activity or celebration they always declined. I rarely got a legitimate reason why but it was pretty obvious that they didn't want to put themselves in a situation where they would feel outnumbered (or isolated) by people of color. I always thought that was completely ridiculous because they all expected me to feel perfectly at home at the white frat parties we attended. Few of them ever took note of the fact that I was forced to place myself in an isolated situation on a daily basis simply by virtue of choosing to leave my house. The double standard was so normalized in their minds that they didn't even question it. Also, a lot of white kids I knew would make racially tinged statements when surrounded by large groups of their peers (i.e. yelling "fucking black guy" at the tv screen after a black football player missed a pass). Immersing yourself in groups of people you've been known to make derogatory statements about in the comfort of your own home significantly increases the chances of retaliation (i.e. catching a merciless beat down) should you have a slip of the lip in a mixed setting. I imagine that would make certain people very wary of interracial interaction.

@RhymesWithSilver - I don't think avoiding eye contact is not necessarily racist behavior (especially if it's not happening within the context of let's say a job interview). I think focusing on actual instances of racism and not paranoia you may feel because you are uncomfortable is a more affective way of combating racism. Focusing on something you can change (institutional racism and discrimination) rather than focusing on something you can't (people's perceptions). There will always be people who over react but as the example you gave about the guy in the elevator illustrates, you can't really control some one else's perception.

@Neenee - Where the hell do you live!? It sounds like you have some crazy ass friends!

Ali, I live in Toronto. There are many ups and down to living in the most multi-cultural city in the world. Confused friends of all races is one of them! lol

@Neenee - Sounds like it! Well, hang in there!

I just have to say, I'm a little afraid of some of these white people you've run into. Racism aside, what a complete lack of tact! Those people have a screw loose somewhere. Whether or not a black person was present, if someone said that sort of thing in front of me I'd assume they were raised by wolves.

I agree with rhymeswithsilver

@Ike, yeah really. A female African-American friend of mine from grad school said she felt sorry for a girl from my ethnic group because she's on the thick side and "looks African," limiting her romantic options. I told her I look African. She responded that though I am African, I don't look it which is some sort of compliment I suppose. An African-American male friend concurred.

In spite of seeing pictures of my very African family and friends, and in spite of going to school with plenty of Africans, the term is still used in a derogative way. I'm supposed to thank my lucky stars that in spite of being 100% African, I (and like 60% of the continent) got features that are attractive by Western standards?

One of my black friends used the 'race card' as a last-ditch effort to get out of a speeding ticket once. The cop probably didn't even notice what color the driver of the car was until the driver himself pointed it out.

I'm a white (gay) guy and can completely understand this.
For *some* white people, it's because they're afraid of saying something really racist.
For *others* and this is important, they're afraid of making a "slip" that is not, in fact, racist.
Popular media makes it out like all black people are on a hair-trigger, ready to pounce on white people who say or do something ignorant.
I think that's an exaggeration.
Then again I have a couple of black friends who are on a hair-trigger so I think they, at least, contribute to the problem. I've seen them come down on innocent remarks when giving the benefit of the doubt was a good idea. My best friend is a black woman who can put white people in the "guilty until proven innocent" bucket, which annoys the hell out of me. When I call her on it, she isn't even aware that her entire disposition is offputting.
I'm gay and get "ignorant" questions or remarks on occasion; I can smell when a remark belies bigotry, or when it's simple innocent ignorance or lack of familiarity.
I mean, I can be thoroughly offended by the word 'gay' said in the wrong way, and easily dismiss 'faggot' said by a different person in a different context. Intent is everything.